establishing a "moral baseline'- answering my own questions

 Establishing a Moral Baseline- Answering my own Questions

Note- Hi!! Welcome to 2026! I have so many big plans for this year, starting off with answering some questions I’ve been asking myself for years now. I have a whole list of thousands of Questions, usually concerning the Environment, Politics, and Religion/spirituality, but sometimes they’re too difficult to really research an ultimate answer. These are philosophical Questions, I’ve already answered, but revisited because I decided my one answer is not satisfying enough. I’m catching up now that I’m recovering from Wisdom Teeth Removal Surgery and have all this downtime! I’d also like to preface these answers I wrote too, are not really” answers” because that (to me) implies they could either be right or wrong, which is sorta IMPOSSIBLE! I also might change my mind over and over again until the day I die. Hope y'all enjoy! Thanks for reading

1. How do we reconcile the existence of suffering with a just world?

There is no Just world. Although I do believe we should always pursue a Just world, just like we should always pursue our dreams, because the steps we take to reach our goals may matter more than the actual results. However, the concept of a pure just world is idealistic but impossible. Justice is too subjective a term. Is suffering just if it’s equal to pleasure? In my opinion, yes. It’s easy to say nobody deserves to suffer. Socrates has a similar view on suffering to Buddhism. On one hand, Socrates believed that suffering injustice makes you a more virtuous person than committing the violence itself, while Buddhists believe that not only is doing harm bad, but it’s mostly bad because it harms the soul, and causes suffering to continue forever. Both guarantee that suffering is a natural part of life, but does that mean we necessarily have to reconcile with it to be at peace spiritually? is not clear to me. 

2. What is the nature of the soul?

The Nature of the Soul implies that there is something every soul possesses. I believe souls are inherently resilient, like the Mind, the Soul can evolve and adapt to knowledge. I believe the soul thrives on seeking Knowledge, maybe not Knowledge itself, but the process of wanting to know. I believe the soul cannot die, but I’m not completely sure whether we are assigned a completely unique one at birth or if our souls are recycled. I do know Souls are not naturally evil, I don’t believe it’s possible to be born evil either in that case. Arguably, Plato was the first to describe what the soul is and to establish that it is the real immaterial embodiment of a person. It’s the only essence of life. I think Souls are naturally interactive, expressive, and sensitive, constantly reaching either subtly or strongly for what it wants. 

3.  What is the nature of the relationship between the self and the cosmos?

Coincidentalism, or the Rejection of Determinism, is the belief that everything is indeed coincidental, that life is a mystery, and that, although it’s romantic to assume a divine connection between ourselves and the bursting balls of energy scattered throughout the Universe, I don’t believe it is an inherently divine connection, but there is a connection nonetheless. The similarity we share with the Cosmos is unpredictability; how we interpret that unpredictability is where the Magic lies. However, some believe we share consciousness with the Universe, implying the Universe is alive like us. Panpsychism is a philosophy that was first coined by the 16th-century Italian philosopher, Francesco Patrizi. The term is derived from the Greek pan (all) and psyche (soul or mind), which implies there may be a plurality of separate and distinct psychic beings or minds that constitute reality. In Laiman’s terms, this is the belief that the universe is mind-like, a conscious, thinking, self-aware being, and If you are a follower of Panpsychism, then the nature of the relationship between the self and the cosmos is strong, Inherent and everlasting. Personally, I think the nature of the relationship is purely coincidental and forever mysterious, but there is a relationship nonetheless. 

equilibrium (2002) and political apathy- film analysis essay

 note- I just want everyone to know I DID NOT CHOOSE THE FILM TO ANALYZE, but I was really passionate about the whole Political Apathy being really dangerous to a democracy. I'm not into action movies, sorry to disappoint. Watching this movie in 2025 is corny fs. I was humbled by my Professor, since she said my last essay was sloppy because I didn't properly use MLA formatting, but I FINALLY figured it out. thank you everyone! 

Equilibrium and The Danger of Systematic Political Apathy

Political Apathy is the real Societal Kyrptonite, not Emotion. Kurt Wimmer’s Equillibrium (2002) represents the means for totalitarian control and why an authoritarian regime enacts systematic desensitization on their people, in order to facilitate political violence and gain complete control. In this essay, I will analyze the themes presented in Equillibrium as they relate to the broader lesson. The lesson in question; Beware of Systematic Politcal Apathy, as it numbs a group of otherwise Intelligent people, and allows a troubling agenda to detiorate a Society’s Critical thinking and mobilizes people to act against their better interest to serve an all-powerfull dictatorship. 

To start, We must define Totalitarianism, “Totalitarian rule is a form of governance in which a single political party or leader exercises absolute control over the state, making all legislative decisions without public input. This system limits individual freedoms and imposes strict social controls dictated by the ruling authority.” (Issit,pg.1) The difference is, Authoritarianism seeks to create a flourishing society with centralized control, while Totalitarianism only seeks to maintain the leader’s personal power. Equilibrium represents Uniformity over Individiduality, as a Totalitarian tactic for control and submisson. In a Authoritarian or Totalitarian regime, Uniformity, or the lack of variation or diversity is encouraged, While Individuality, is discouraged. Individuality challenges this system, because Individuals are free-thinkers, they think critically, they question their leader’s intentions. Totalitarian or Authoritarian leaders thrive on mass, un-questioning obedience, making it so there is no room for compromise or flexibility. Wimmer characterizes the Prozium-controlled people of Libria as Dull, Idiotic, formal and lacking in any personality because Ideological Diversity hinders the power of the Totalitarian chokehold, the people are under. Wimmer subtly examines the Hipocracy in the law of Father. Although he says Emotion is wrong, because it causes rage, violence and War, The clerics are nothing but violent and angry. Anger motivates violence. Obviously Anger is an emotion. However if this emotion is encouraged and rewarded by Father’s regime, it is useful as a weapon against the Resistance. Father’s form of Totalitarianism is a reaction to World War III, after picking up the peices, they mistakenly decided eliminating Emotion would be the best measure for preventing history from repeating itself. Ironically, the only explanation for Totalitarianism is fear. Fear of the mystery of what leads a society into war. Prozium makes the people Apathetic, which allows them to become completely oblivious to the injustices being committed against them. Political Apathy can be defined as “the lack of interest or engagement in the political process” (Rholetter, pg.2) , which may seem innocent, but really leads to citizens not recognizing when injustice is occurring right under their noses. 

Secondly, we have to understand the journey to complete totalitarian control, which requires indoctrination. In Equilibrium, Preston’s children Robbie and Lisa are also subject to the apathy early on, despite not taking the Prozium; they are primed to pretend not to feel, for the sake of survival. Robbie is groomed into becoming an enforcer of the regime, and is encouraged by Preston to report another little boy for crying, because he is rewarded for helping further the cause of The Totalitarian regime in Libria. He attentively watches videos of Father’s speeches. Childhood Indoctrination is designed to groom the future generation to think and believe, and behave exactly how the regime wants, without giving children the opportunity to understand any other options or develop opinions and values of their own. It’s despicable because these leaders know they’re taking advantage of a Child’s unquestioning trustworthiness and willingness to learn and participate in the world around them. Indoctrination’s potential relies on the moldable minds of Children. The regime had decades to build this authority, until it reached the level where Equillibrium is set in. In reality, there are arguably Totalitarian countries to this day that apply similar Indoctrination tactics. Wimmer uses the Prozium as a symbol for Indoctrination, symbolized as a poison, that brainwashes the citizens of Libria. The Indoctrination allowed Preston to betray his Wife, and participate in facilitating her sentencing and execution. Tragically, Preston realizes this too late, only when he feels, he can genuinely face the weight of the damage he has done.

Furthermore, Equilibrium exposes a double standard on Militant violence. Father justifies his belief that emotion is the disease that poisoned mankind, because it caused rage, hatred, and War, when really, they have become much more violent and homicidal under Father’s dictatorship. They kill without a single thought of the mere implication that perhaps, without emotion, a society is perhaps functional, but completely hollow, and devoid of culture. After Preston is informed by Dupont, Father will no longer have sense offenders processed; instead terminated on the spot, Preston argues without blindly obeying as usual. Dupont ensures “While you and even I, may not always agree with it, It is not the message that’s Important, it’s our obedience to it.” (Wimmer, 0:45:40-0:45:52) This is another example of a totalitarian control tactic. We can recognize this is in our own law enforcement, although subject to change and amendment over time, there is often little room for nuance, and circumstantial justification. However, there is a Court, there is processing, there are many perspectives applied, to better approach a reasonable and fair decision for the defendant. On the other hand, in a Totalitarian regime, there is no justice. Instead, the Law is black and white. Blind Obedience is validated, while any mere opposing perspective is immediately diminished. 

Additionally, When Preston is interrogating Mary O’brien after arresting her for sense-offence, she pleads with him to understand that without feeling, a Human is nothing. Nothing but a devoted and oblivious machine. She asks why he’s alive, and he replies that he lives to safeguard the continuity of the great society of Libria, but Mary lived to feel. “Without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock, ticking.” (Wimmer, 0:29:43-0:29:51) Although Preston is still imprisoned by the Cleric programming, Mary’s perspective still touches something in him. Although the Prozium sedates his feelings by day, by night his Dreams persist, and the next morning, he faces himself in the mirror and hesitates before taking his dose, ultimately, not taking it. Suddenly, he responds to his senses, recognizing the blatant injustice everywhere he turns, He can finally see the Humanity in the Resistance, and sobs. Purposefully, Wimmer creates an identity crisis for Preston because, without Prozium, he sees the totalitarianism for what it is, and the role he played in furthering the destruction. I believe this proves the prevail of Empathy as a stronger form of intelligence than Apathy.

In Conclusion, Equilibrium‘s audience is taught that an authoritarian dictatorship depends not just on political control as a traditional democracy functions, but complete and total control of the people in all aspects, how they think, act, and “feel” or in the case of Equilibrium, not feel. It should never be too late to reclaim our freedom of thought and expression to dismantle a cruel and oppressive political system. In reality, we later learn in the film that the regime is easily weakened without the support of the rest of the population of Libria. Father creates a convincing illusion that he is the most powerful man on the planet, but he is just one person, one enforcer. After it’s discovered that Father has been replaced with Vice Counsel DuPont, Preston kills him and destroys the propaganda broadcasting, and the resistance can reclaim their autonomy, marking the beginning of a revolution. The setting being in 2072 is Important because it may seem far from modern times, but close enough to be a reality worth considering. We must reclaim our power against the Totalitarian rulers today, because the country should belong to the people, not the ruler. The antidote to apathy is Empathy. Empathy allows us to compromise and understand opposing perspectives, participating and educating ourselves on Politics, paving the way to peace. 

Souces Cited

Equilibrium. Directed by Kurt Wimmer, performances by Christian Bale, Taye Diggs, and Emily Watson, Dimension Films, 2002

Purdy, Elizabeth Rholetter, PhD. “Political Apathy.” Research Starters: Social Sciences & Humanities, EBSCO, 2024, www.ebsco.com/research-starters/social-sciences-and-humanities/political-apathy

Issitt, Micah. “Totalitarian Rule.” Research Starters: Political Science, EBSCO, 2024, www.ebsco.com/research-starters/political-science/totalitarian-rule

lantern city and the politics of steampunk literature

 Steampunk literature is a snarky criticism of the dark, corrupted undercurrent to technological “progress.” Intentionally, the graphic novel series Lantern City positions the protagonist, Sander Jorve, as a hero born into subjugation—a hero who must act from within that status to survive and protect his precious family. The series demonizes class stratification, shows the laboring class as capable and deserving heroes, and frames heroism in the language of duty, survival, and transformation. Daley and Jenkins’s graphic novel series Lantern City (2015–2016) delivers a political message about the survival and empowerment of working-class heroes.

To start, “Steampunk” is a term used to describe a retro-futuristic subgenre of science fiction that combines elements of Victorian-era aesthetics with steam-powered technology. It is often visually depicted with engines, gears, and old manufacturing equipment that were prevalent during this historical period. Steampunk appears in art and literature as a political statement. It is political because it represents the labor exploitation that ran rampant during the Victorian Era, from the mid-19th century to the early 20th century, including widespread child labor, dangerous working conditions, low wages, and the exploitation of immigrant and nonwhite workers. Children worked long hours in factories, mines, and other industries for a fraction of adult wages.

Occurring prior to the Victorian Era was the Industrial Revolution, which lasted from the 18th century to the early 20th century. It fostered greed and classism in the early foundation of the United States and led to the first creation of labor unions. These unions sought better working conditions and created a working-class culture. Steampunk depicts this culture through its eerie glorification of man against machine. As Fife explains, Steampunk is “a cultural movement appearing to be primarily about aesthetics [that] offers its practitioners an alternative to a human imaginary that has been colonized by capitalism and at the same time demands a new and more human-centered form of technology” (Fife 31).

Early in the series, we see Sander Jorve and other working-class members living and working long hours in the fields. Their dangerous, grueling labor barely keeps them afloat while perpetually confining them to classist exploitation. Jalta, where Lantern City is located, represents a clear class hierarchy: the walled, elevated enclaves for the Greys, fortified privilege enforced by armed guards, and the crowded, dark labor quarters below. This setting functions as an allegory for capitalist class stratification—those who own or control (the Greys), those who enforce that control (the Guards), and those who sell their labor to survive (the Workers). The design and plot constantly emphasize that political power and resources are commodities distributed according to class.

This political theme of classism is frequently paired with Steampunk. The Grey Guard controls Lantern City’s lower class through both physical force and economic manipulation. Food, housing, and safety are distributed according to obedience, not merit. Steampunk literature often highlights how the working class is worn down and forced to depend on a corrupt government that neglects them in return.

Moreover, in the third volume of the Lantern City series, Sander Jorve goes from harvesting yellowberries to joining the Grey Guard. Sander and his family face a moral dilemma—joining the side of their oppressors instead of remaining the oppressed. This internal conflict leads them to struggle with their changing identity. “It’s not as simple as right and wrong anymore. From up here, the world looks different” (Craft 66). This quote challenges the reader’s perception of the Greys. Although they are painted as villains in the first and second volumes, the third complicates this narrative.

Linzel says, with a gun pointed at Emperor Grey, “I fight for the city you once promised me—a city where we aren’t worked to death, a city that allows us to educate ourselves, a city where we can walk the streets without fear of Killian or Pont” (Craft 51). This reiterates the protagonists’ intentions and the drive that mobilizes Sander throughout the series. It is inherently political because it proposes how government should function. Linzel expresses a progressive vision of Jalta—one built on equality and peace.

Importantly, there is a recurring theme in Steampunk literature of exploitative economic systems that push ordinary workers toward political action or criminal economies—smuggling, sabotage, or rebellion—as survival strategies. Sander Jorve and his family get involved in this conflict out of necessity, not desire. The same is true for many Americans today, who are exploited by corporations designed to perpetuate this cycle of corruption. The plot shows families driven into rebellion or illicit markets after being squeezed by the system.

Lantern City also depicts how capitalist exploitation produces unrest and informal economies as coping mechanisms. The lower class is often forced into the prison industry because they receive insufficient pay and are excluded from better opportunities due to race, religion, sexuality, and financial status. Poverty is depicted through the dark, overpopulated lower levels and the numerous factories—clear signs of Steampunk influence. Illustrator Carlos Magno uses deep shadows, muted browns and grays, and narrow vertical panels to convey how workers are literally boxed in by the city’s infrastructure. It’s suffocating down there. The working class makes up the majority of Jalta’s population, while the elite live in the upper part of the city, enjoying bright artificial light and beautiful architecture.

Urbanization is another strong element of the Industrial Revolution that inspired Steampunk literature. During the early 20th century, factories drew people from rural areas to cities for work, leading to rapid and often unplanned urban growth. This growth created the melting pot of the United States.

Although Steampunk literature is arguably a “niche” subgenre, its influence on modern political ideology is worth celebrating. In a world where a stroke of chance can determine whether someone is pampered with privilege or thrown to the figurative “wolves” of greedy corporate capitalism, Steampunk shines a light on overlooked working-class heroes. These characters sacrifice parts of themselves for survival, giving them dignity and purpose worth commending. Lantern City represents workplace hierarchies, governmental corruption, and the double-edged sword of technological innovation. Jenkins and Daley’s storytelling leads readers to question whether their own government is a force for good or evil and to speculate about the true intentions of their leaders. Steampunk literature is a force for democracy.

Citations:
Fife, W. (2022). Steampunk as Stealth Politics. In Imaginary Worlds. Palgrave Studies in Literary Anthropology. Palgrave Macmillan, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-031-08641-0_2

frankenstein is anti-intellectual literature- english lit crit essay

 note- TO BE CLEAR, I don't really believe Frankenstein is anti-intellectual, it's really just an eye-catching title I thought my professor would find thought-provoking or whatever. I read Frankenstein for the first time in 5th grade and thought it was awesome, but when I read it again in 8th grade, I started to find it redundant, only because I was exposed to the recycled horror tropes (inspired by Frankenstein, mind you) before then, so It was no longer as exciting and inventive as the first time. I was NOT pleased to read it again as a COLLEGE student, but we had the option to choose other assigned readings to analyze for this essay. I really don't agree with the assertion I make at the end, "Scientific Innovation is nothing to be feared, but instead, celebrated and emboldened," when it applies to inventions like AI and human/animal experimentation (which still does indeed happen in 2025) because of the obvious ethical concerns. Please enjoy! 

    

In 1815, there was a volcanic eruption that occurred in Indonesia’s Mount Tambora that killed around 100,000 people. This disaster is now referred to as the deadliest volcanic eruption in Human history. The devastation caused the following summer of 1816 to be tainted with ashy, cloudy skies instead of the expected sunshine and warm weather nourishing Europe’s crops and wildlife. As a result, people starved and political revolts followed, furthering the tragedy. This time of Darkness inspired Mary Shelly and led to her wandering about the ugly parts of humanity. Our selfish desires, our hate, and our desperation. The 19-year-old writer was married to poet Percy Bysshe Shelley, and together they traveled to Lake Geneva, on the border of France and Switzerland, for vacation. The couple was invited by Mary Shelly’s stepsister, Claire Clairmont, who was having an affair with the Poet Lord Byron. The 4 young adults were challenged by Byron to write a ghost story better than the ghost stories they’ve read. With such gloomy weather, it would unintentionally serve as the perfect backdrop for the making of her spontaneously written masterpiece. Frankenstein is Mary Shelly’s interpretation of Modern Scientific and Medical Innovation, a warning about how curiosity drives progress, but how unchecked scientific pursuit can perhaps lead to unforeseen chaos and destruction.

To start, Frankenstein is also influenced by the Greek mythological tale of Prometheus. According to the Legend, the Titan Prometheus, a champion for humanity, defied Zeus by stealing fire for humans, and as punishment, Zeus chained Prometheus to a rock, to have his liver eaten by an eagle every day. However, his actions did provide humans with fire to brighten their way to make discoveries and gain knowledge. The lesson being shared here is perhaps subjective, but straightforward to Shelly, who compared Frankenstein to The Tale of Prometheus because Prometheus is known to be a titan of intelligence, and the fact that fire hurts people is one of the first things that Frankenstein’s monster learns about the world. Giving humans access to “fire” is a double-edged sword for all intents and purposes. Intellectualism is the limitless pursuit of knowledge, despite the consequence to know is to be stronger. It’s also not a coincidence that The Creature is afraid of fire. Fire symbolizes the pursuit of science, and Fire, being of the natural world, is the first to harm The Creature. The Creature was produced because Frankenstein was curious about the secrets between life and death and aspired to become the creator of a more ‘perfect’ race of beings. The ambition fails, and Frankenstein sees his ultimate folly is “playing god”. However, I think this argument is unfair to Frankenstein, who, although he may have been cocky or overzealous, His curiosity was valid. In Chapter 4, Shelley illustrates Frankenstein admitting that he wants to create a superior human being and be celebrated as the creator.  “No one can conceive the variety of feelings which bore me onwards, like a hurricane, in the first enthusiasm of success. Life and death appeared to me as ideal bounds, which I should first break through, and pour a torrent of light into our dark world. A new species would bless me as its creator and source; many happy and excellent natures would owe their being to me.”  (Shelley, pg. 67) Again, I think this is a perfectly valid dream to have for a Scientist. However, Shelley positions Frankenstein’s goal as selfish, because Man cannot be God. Only God can know the secrets between life and death. This obsession that Victor Frankenstein had with creating a human artificially wrecked him. It was a self-sacrificing process for him to embark on, because Shelley was showing her audience that Frankenstein is pushing himself to an unnatural and unhealthy degree, leading us to decide his inventions in the project are wrong. “The different accidents of life are not so changeable as the feelings of human nature. I had worked hard for nearly two years, for the sole purpose of infusing life into an inanimate body. For this, I had deprived myself of rest and health. I had desired it with an ardour that far exceeded moderation; but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart” (Shelley, pg.106) Insisting that these circumstances were a part of the reason The Creature would turn out to be evil and twisted because it’s harmful to the Creator, who is man, fragile, and incapable of taking on such a unreasonable and daring project. Based on these Black and White “ethics”, Frankenstein is certainly a villain, as it’s true he failed to anticipate The Creature’s feelings in being created for the mere purpose of satisfying his curiosity. But with a more nuanced perspective in mind, Humans deserve to seek answers to all their questions, as comes naturally to us anyway, and Experimentation is necessary, if done ethically, of course. Electricity was a new and anxiety-inducing concept for the scientific community in the early 19th century. Shelley, too, drew inspiration from these reactions. People hesitated because of the possibility that it could lead to disaster. With all said, it’s up to the audience to decide if this scary potential is worth the process of discovery

Historically, people have been deeply suspicious and hesitant when it comes to scientific progress. The Age of Enlightenment, which occurred between 1685-1815 (also referred to as The Age of Reason) advocated for the principle of Anthropocentrism (a philosophy that centers humans as the most important beings in the world), dominated all cultural discussion, and it was believed that, thanks to science and technology, humans would ascend boundaries beyond comprehension. The Age of Enlightenment ended when the French Revolution began and Romanticism emerged, but many disagreed with this priority. Shelley emphasizes that Man should not seek to go beyond the bounds of Nature. “Learn from me, if not by my precepts, at least by my example, how dangerous is the acquisition of knowledge and how much happier that man is who believes his native town to be the world, than he who aspires to become greater than his nature will allow.” (Shelley, pg. 56) I wonder if this is Shelley warning of the irreversible damage of unchecked experimentation. Romanticism (occurring from 1798- 1837)  was widely received and celebrated in Literature, encouraging people to put down their books and quit obsessing over intellect. Instead, they idealized the wisdom of nature and its simplicity. 

To conclude, I believe the real sin committed by Victor Frankenstein is not his Scientific curiosities that led him to create the monster, but instead how he turned away from the results of his actions, avoiding responsibility and allowing the Creature to harm and kill those around him. I like to imagine, Creature was destined for something better than the unfortunate conclusion. He relied on Frankenstein for learning about the world, and the world learning something new from him. I find it quite intentional on Shelley’s part the novel ends with Walton giving up on his ambition to discover the northern passage through the Arctic to the Atlantic and returning home after reading the letters from Frankenstein. I find this to be Shelley reiterating to the audience her message that Scientific pursuit is not worth it. Fear is ultimately derived from misunderstanding. When concluding the novel, I wondered to myself, Is scientific innovation really worth sacrificing nature? Is there a limit to our curiosity? And if there is a cruel side to Curiosity at all. That said, curiosity leads humans to understanding, and knowledge generates empathy. The limitless pursuit of Science can create a better, friendlier, and safer future. Scientific Innovation is nothing to be feared, but instead, celebrated and emboldened.

Sources:

1. Blakemore, E. (2025, May 27). “Frankenstein” was born during a ghastly vacation. History.com. https://www.history.com/articles/frankenstein-true-story-mary-shelley 

2. Bellis, M. (2025, May 11). Top inventions of the 19th century. ThoughtCo. https://www.thoughtco.com/inventions-nineteenth-century-4144740#:~:text=1800:%20French%20silk%20weaver%20J.M.,Durand%20invents%20the%20tin%20can.

the honest lies of a secret service agent

 Note- Hey everyone! I really did only have 2 days to write this, since I'm balancing a lot right now. Although it took me hours both days last week, I'm satisfied with my results! The Prompt was "I stared at the crowd and told the biggest lie of my life." I was recommended to pick a prompt out of 5 prompts randomly. I know this is a "funny" story, but I don't consider myself funny enough to call this comedy, but I tried something new, and I'm proud of it! FYI- According to the Oxford Dictionary, Asinine means extremely stupid or foolish. 

    I take a wide step forward until my toes hit the black duct-taped X in the center of the stage and inhale a silent breath. My audience is a conglomeration of artificial white light and though I’m a old man now I still pretend they’re test dummies devoid of judgement and internal snark, but I know they’re there seated quietly, as we all anticipate my talk I titled “Open Books know better” at the prestigious Stupivard University. A buddy professor of mine personally referred me to the board of trustees. He probably told them, “I have this guy I golf with, he was a Secret Service agent during Project fluidgate.. No, no sorry, he can’t talk about it, but he can sure teach these students a thing or two about academic integrity.” I was surprised to hear that thousands of young minds would indeed want to listen. They knew I had a piece of wisdom still dissolving beneath my tongue since the day I took my oath in 1970. 

I was 21 years old, a fresh graduate, not quite man enough for the ever-changing mold the military would demand. I thought I was too dignified, but secretly, like the other agents, I was too boyish to be hollard into a hunched, hollow submission. We liked the special credit too, and the attention from women would be a no-strings-attached benefit we especially enjoyed. “You may be here wondering what it is that makes the special agents to our dear country of Asininia special?” I feel my volume artificially echo, the spotty chuckle in the audience. “Well, I’m here to humbly tell you-it’s our unrelenting and prodigious courage.” I lie. In reality, there was nothing at all special about the service. We were trained to become sub-human to protect, not the president, but the human treasure of our country’s dignity. “But this is no ordinary courage you were taught as kids. You are designed to surpass human courage into a supernatural kind. One where the risk of your own life is no risk at all.”

In truth, there was no courage; our anticipated tears trembled under the sunglasses when the man we stood behind inadvertently insulted his “people.” On my first permanent protection assignment in my first Phase as a special agent in 1973, I was sent to Spain with a group of 6 other agents.

“During my 8-year span as a Secret Service Agent, I refrained from all the wonders, I’m sure you College students enjoy VEHEMENTLY. No Sex, No Smokes, No Drinking. I learned to enjoy the power I earned by abstaining from the temptation.” I lie again. I hear a few aww’s and boo’s.

On my time off, we drank heavily at the Hotel lobby bar till well past midnight. We gawked and threw broken Spanish compliments at every lady in our vicinity until I eventually found myself alone wandering outside the hotel. 

Drunkinlgy I surveyed a nearby residential area, watching the lit window channels change and blur with the rest, entranced by the spanish architecture, I was surprised to see a dark Asininia Flag waving on a pole on the last house, which was a tall, spacious manor with all lights on, beaming obnoxiously, It was overwhelmingly familiar. The mansion was facing forward at a T-junction. Only inevitable that I would let myself in and look around. No care of where my fellow agents were, or any thought about my career at all. I to this day remember the taste of semi-digested Vermouth bubble up my esophagus when a couple of Asininian soldiers ambushed me in the mansion living room. “Sir, this is restricted property, highly restricted, understand?” I poked my palms up, surrendering. “I didn’t know! I’m just a secret service agent off duty!” They refrained from me at the sound of my Asininian accent.

“Now, you kids are privileged to have access to these modern pockets of knowledge. Don’t dare take advantage of those who are not.” I insist.

“Oh, we are so sorry, brother! So sorry!” surprised by their sudden leniency, I felt a kick of power over them. “Oh brother. Bad brothers, you are.” I tisked.

They trembled in their camouflage, ashamed. “Brother, I’m undercover, my chief sent me here. Now you listen to me, Brother.” I pointed at their faces. “You tell me where that good Spanish Kush is so we don’t have a problem, yeah? Brother.” I snapped. “No no, brother, we don’t have none of that here. We swear it!” the other said. “But we do have something much better, brother.” They exchanged grins with each other. Morons, I thought. “Show me, brother,” I demanded, and that they did. They marched me to the very, very top floor, where they pulled open a grand drawer in a room cushioned in satins and thick red curtains. There we peered down at the fattest stash of barbiturates on a silver platter. We called them "Pink Ladies" and then something made stupid sense in my head and I backed away, watching the 2 soldiers down those ladies like candies.

 This familiar house, these Dim-wit soldiers, the endless supply of Pink ladies. My “brothers” soon turned grey-faced, stumbling around and talking nonsense. If they survived this trip, they’d forget. If they died, then God rest their stupid souls. They told us these were testing lairs, to test the security skills of new army recruits, rewarded with what appeared to be rose-colored dinnermints that we all collectively understood were really mind-numbing, memory-mashing, stupifying dope on his Soilders, before they were shared around by one of us undercover agents in a popular party city, just to sit back and watch the Political Culture cook. The War on Drugs was a curated movement, sewe

“At times, knowledge turns us into cynical creatures, know what I mean? The type that loses faith in our Asinine ways. Open books are willing and fearless. Asininia loves you, the government respects your body, your freedom, and your individuality.” I grin.

I had one of 2 choices, give it all up for the night of my life with these blue-lipped brothers, or take these Ladies far away from here, flush them down the toilets like the waste they are. I left those soldiers there in that Mansion to certainly die, running down the street I came up just hours ago, with my pant pockets crammed tight with those Pink Ladies. When I got back to that Hotel, I was suddenly wiser than I had ever been before.

 My fellow agents were tucked gently in their rooms, until they heard me marching down the hallway, and into my room and open the toilet. Convinced the only war, Asininia had to fear was our Asinine urge to consume a conveniently crafted ruse. My accompanying agents barged in just then. I had dumped all the Pink Ladies into the bowl, all I had to do then was flush, but they restrained me, although it was already too late. The Pink Ladies were certainly ruined, but I couldn’t let it go. I had to finish what I started. I kicked myself free and flushed the toilet. But the toilet immediately clogged and the Pink Ladies dissolved into a chunky Pink fluid, spraying every corner of the Beautiful Spanish hotel bathroom. 

I stood up, shocked. Then, my fellow agents in their uniform pajamas got on their knees, lapping up the fluid splattered on the tiled floor. I still remember them chocking it down “For Asininia.. Slurp we must lend our bodies..slurp for the sake of all..Slurp.” one of the agents said. I was devastated with disgust. Was there something I missed in Training? Is this a test? Am I expected to be one of them? Soon, these young secret service agents lost color, swayed around my hotel room like ghosts, and eventually all dropped into positions, no decent human would ever perform. I became immobile with shock, all my senses shrank to a quiet nightmare.

 Sitting there on the corner of the hotel bed. I hummed the Asininia anthem to myself quietly as the Spanish sun rose. I called my Chief that morning and numbly explained everything from top to bottom, praying he would castigate me, spit in my face, and slap it clean. I imagined he’d march up here himself and rip the badge off my uniform, but instead I was praised and promoted to my next assignment. I was revolted and loathsome of every man around me. I could refuse, rip that badge off myself, or even better, tell my snake of a Chief what a sorry coward he was, but I coldly accepted my promotion.

“Ensure that the method in which you flourish intellectually is ethical. I mean, don’t cheat, don’t let people cheat you! But, it’s ethical if it serves you, Students,” I say.

They modified the Pink chunky toilet-water fluid coating the lips of my now deceased fellow agents and applied it to the new and improved formula, deeming this as Project Fluidgate. The toilet-water version was better than the original, not because it was any less lethal, but more addictive. We dropped it into the Disco scene on the edges of California, where It took Millions of lives by 1980.

“In your service at whatever you decide to do, you will face obstacles, some of them will leave you in shame. But you must take it in stride, Ladies and Gentlemen!” I was shamefully nicknamed “Pinky” and I let it slide until a new redheaded recruit tried it on me in the middle of a conference. I tackled him, punched and spat into his freckled face, I was so angry, I even whipped it out and peed on him, knowing I still would not lose my job, that I hated quietly.

When Project Fluidgate leaked to the rest of the Secret Service, everyone somehow knew it involved me. I was spoken of as if I were someone to aspire to be. “Congratulations, you must be proud,” My own Mother told me. I even lied to her too when I told her “I am.” “When you make achievements. Take Credit for them. Stand up tall and accept the Congratulations,” I advise.

I was scared of what I allowed myself to become. My "Open-Book" soul had suddenly shut tight and has been since that Oath. Though it's a figurative promise, locked only by law. To what seems like an invisible threat to some would cost me more than just my life, but to my family too. I couldn't even tell my wife a single detail. 

“And you must remember, Open books are truly the enlightened books. Now, you won’t receive knowledge without breaking some spines! Do your research. Ask those questions, and be as honest and forthcoming as you’d like people to be to you.” “Sir, sir!! What about Project Fluidgate?” I stiffen. “I will not speak on that,” I said, hoping it would shut him up.

 

 I’m not ashamed I lie about my bravery, not bothered I lie about my faith to the Asininia Constitution, but what keeps me from sleep is how I lie that I did any protecting at all, when all I secretly served was myself. “Thank you all for listening, I wish you students the best of luck! Thank you, Stupivard University, for so warmly welcoming me. God Bless Asininia.” God, if you love us, please burn Asininia to the ground. I return to that X center, give a big smile as the audience erupts in unanimous applause.