{journal entry 3-15-22 prose practicing}

 Voicemail- January, 8th, 2007 at 11:42 PM from (210) 733-2493 to (210) 874-2245

{I know you’re running late to something and you probably don’t have time to talk or anything but look-If I didn't love you, I wouldn't be talking right now. I just need you to remember who you’re talking to, who you’re hearing from. Like, remember when we stayed up after John’s pool party and drank cranberry tea in your mom’s greenhouse? Remember we talked about acknowledging each other and other things I’m not used to being? Remember how I started to cry a few minutes in and then - then when you told me I’ve gone on too long without telling myself that I was just exactly enough? And it was the most perfect thing to say in that situation but I just, you know, wasn't ready to hear it and I cut you off and blamed it on those new blood thinners. I lied. You let me do it, Liz, you knew I didn't need blood thinners, I needed blood thickeners if any.  Why did I let you go on for so long without turning your hands back and just kissing you everywhere- Ok, what I mean is like how did I go on so long without facing it? Like- I’m sitting here now at this cold apartment window, my hair unwashed and tangled, my stubble growing in my mouth tastes like- like when you haven’t had the strength to even take a breath mint in weeks. Yeah, I’m sorry if this is weird or gross or I don't know but you know how bad we wished we could go back in time and change something that we wished so bad could’ve been different like the thing we said or the thing we did or the way we reacted to something that we now is so important but we didn't realize it at the time? I don't know, I don’t even know what I’m saying right now but I want to change that day, Liz. Ok? Here- Remember when we went to John’s pool party- the class of 2004 and we - we swam in his pool and met these beautiful people we talked to and we thought they were weird but really they were done up on meth and these people we were talking to were not even from our school, like- they weren't even people at all just- just these talking drained out-faces. Remember how fast the sun went down- like unnaturally fast but the water glowed in a weird way? Remember how they freaked us out so we left without telling anyone and walked to your house and I told you I was thirsty so you poured me a cup of that north Dakota style cranberry tea- like it wasn't even that good but god, Liz I miss that taste so bad. You told me to be quiet because your parents were upstairs asleep so we left real carefully and you took my hand and led me to your greenhouse, that greenhouse I wanted to see but never had the time. I really loved that greenhouse, you know. Remember, It was so cold and even colder because our clothes were wet because we didn't even think of bringing bathing suits. We pulled it off fine because the greenhouse just felt warmer than outside even though the door was always open. No, like I’m telling you it just felt perfect like no, really Liz it was the most comfortable temperature I’ve-I’ve ever experienced. We got in just in time too because after a few minutes it started raining and then we started talking about you know, those boys you were crazy about and those teachers that we hated and- and then we started going on about things that are just bigger than us and always will be but we-we were never scared of them. You never were, but maybe I was. Ok, like I know this is a crazy long voicemail but you know, we’ve gone on too long without saying it and I know you’re busy with things but Liz, let me just tell you I miss you, It makes me wild, really. I know you’re probably busy working or meeting people or..or just thinking about something better than me, but I feel like if I don’t tell you, anything we could’ve had will be missed like It’ll never be even a smidge of a possibility-Ok? So-then we started this long conversation about acknowledging what you’ve done to get to eh place you’re in and blurring out all the-unnecessary details and just seeing yourself- just you- the you that stays untouched by everything around them- just yourself you know, yourself you’ve gone all this time living with? And then- then I thought of how much of a relief it would be if I just did it- If I just acknowledged this independence. I realized this and I’ve never really been proud and all I could think of was how long have I gone without doing this, you know? I’ve only been proud 0f the things that everyone else liked about me, the things that they wanted for themselves, I had no idea if it even meant anything to me at all. I put down my cup of tea and just started crying. Remember, Liz? You stopped dead-sentence and you looked at me in my most vulnerable state, I was an- I was this walking open wound back then, waiting to get unclean. Maybe you were surprised or weirded-out or I don't know but whatever it was you heard me clear. You said, and I swear, Liz, I remember this like it was 5 minutes ago you said. “There.. That proves it.. You’ve gone on way too long without telling yourself you’ve done enough.” and then I didn't interrupt you, because it was the perfectly right thing to say, Liz. Because you’re so right, so smart to take one look at me and know the damage. I needed it, I wanted to hear you tell me I was enough because I was too weak to do it myself. Like, i’m not even kidding, Liz it was the best thing that’s ever went in my ears and It’s been in my head and I’m tired of living everyday like it never even happened. Like if I just went home after John’s party and brushed my teeth and just went to bed…. My life is better than that, Liz. So, you don’t have to listen to all of this message but just think about me for a second tonight, maybe just a second or a little more if you want, it would just feel nice, I don't know. Ok- bye now.}